Focus on the heart of the matter: Radio interview

Here is a small snippet from my recent radio interview. We discussed the function of behaviour - why children might behave aggressively or in a bullying way towards other children.

Read more...

Responding to bullying: Counselling or punishment? …part 2

One approach to responding to bullying is what has been called the “restorative justice” approach. The aim of this approach is to use supportive communities to hold individuals accountable for their actions and increase student’s sense of safety within their community.

Researchers studying this approach have found it has had some success. However, like any other approach, it is not going to address all types of bullying.

Restorative justice: The key principles as seen in Morrison (2002)

This approach is about using what Morrison (2002) calls “adaptive shame”. This basically means the child who is bullying another is confronted with the effects of their behaviour on the child who is being bullied. They are also confronted with the feelings and emotions of their own friends, family, supporters and the school community. If this is done supportively, then the shame of what they are doing and how they are affecting others will lead to a change in behaviour.

However, this only works if the key principles or beliefs outlined by Morrison drive the process. These principles are:
1 - Bullying behaviour can be changed
2 - It is the behaviour, not the whole child, that is being put down
3 - The harm done by the bullying needs to be acknowledged and repaired.
4 - Both the child who is bullying, and the child being bullied, are valued members of the school community.

If these principles are not adhered to, then the child who is bullying another is more likely to be stigmatised than supportively shamed into changing their behaviour. And stigmatisation will lead to a cycle of increased bullying due to feelings of rejection and loss of self-esteem.

Restorative justice may not work if….
#The supportive network (family and friends) of the child who is bullying another reinforce rather than reject the behaviour

#The child who is being bullied and their support network feel threatened by the support network of the child who is bullying.

# There is a significant, underlying emotional, behavioural or social issue/disorder that is contributing to the bullying behaviour and limiting the effects of “adaptive shame”.

What are the alternatives?

In-school suspension may be the best option for both protecting the child who is bullied and catering to the needs of the child who is bullying if the above factors come into play. It may also be used to protect the child who is being bullied as the process of restorative justice is followed.

In-school suspension means that the student who is bullying others is not fully excluded from learning. But it does mean they are excluded from any social situations at school that provide them the opportunity to bully the other student.

This may also need to extend to transport to and from school if they travel on the same bus as the student being bullied.

Counselling and behaviour intervention may be an essential component of addressing the bullying behaviour. For example, if a student is bullying others due to their need for power over “weaker” students, then it is likely that they have significant issues with self-esteem. Their may be things going on at home, in the community or at school that need to be identified and addressed in order for the student to feel empowered to change their behaviour.

There are many different approaches to dealing with bullying. But in the end, whatever we do, we need to try and balance the need to keep our children safe with the need to address the reasons behind the bullying behaviour. And we need to do all this within the bounds of the standards set by law.

Reference:

Morrison, B. (2002). Bullying and Victimisation in Schools: a Restorative Justice Approach. AIC Trends and Issues in Crime and Criminal Justice, February 2002. Online at http://www.aic.gov.au/publications/tandi/ti219.pdf

Or find her book: http://wilderdom.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=311

Other useful information:

http://www.kenrigby.net/

https://www.det.nsw.edu.au/policies/student_serv/discipline/stu_discip_gov/anti_bul07.pdf These are the guidelines for NSW public schools on dealing with bullying.

Read more...

Responding to bullying: Support or Expulsion?

It is a very hard thing to balance the need to keep our children safe with addressing the needs of the child/children who are bullying others.

“Bullies have no rights!” we might be tempted to yell as we see the effects of bullying on others. “Zero tolerance! Immediate expulsion!”

The difficulty is that these approaches don’t actually deal with the reason the child is bullying. This means that if they are expelled, there is nothing stopping them from continuing their bullying outside the school grounds. And it also doesn’t account for those who would change their behaviour if they knew how it is affecting others.

The Unwitting Bully

I was shocked and deeply distressed the other day to be called a bully. From my perspective what I had been doing was strenuously defending my right to a safe and happy living environment. The person who made the accusation was a third party who had only heard one side of the story. Once they had heard my side, they rounded on the person they had been defending and suggested in no uncertain terms that their behaviour, not mine, was unacceptable.

We have to be careful when accusing others of bullying that we have the full story. This is the responsibility of the principal or the head teacher for welfare or any other person nominated in the discipline policy of the school.

The guidelines on the website “Bullying! No Way!” clearly state that parents should not approach the other party in the incident. This is mainly to ensure that the very understandable emotion that is involved in the situation does not take over.

Hearing both sides of the story can help us try and work out why the bullying is happening, and help us better protect our children and change the behaviour of others.

The impulsive or egocentric bully

There are children who tease others, lose their temper or are prone to use their fists without thinking about the consequences of their actions.

Very young children usually tease or hurt others for egocentric reasons. That is, they are only thinking about how the action might benefit them, not how it might effect the other child.

Example:
Sally teases Bea by saying, “You’re not our fri-end. You look silly!” because she just wants to play with Becky and Nat. Becky and Nat laugh when Sally says these things.

Some children who live with a disability might also use rough behaviour to get what they need or want.

Example:
Bobbie is learning to use words and gestures after recently having a cochlea implant inserted to help him hear. But Bobbie gets frustrated when other children don’t respond to his “language”. So he often pushes children out of the way when he wants something.

What we need to look at is educating the children, helping them understand and develop empathy for the child they are affecting.

Peer mediation may work to help change the behaviour of children who are acting impulsively and without thinking about how they are affecting others. This is where other and often older children are trained in helping to deal with the more minor incidents on the playground.

In a similar way, we can use the Sharing Circle or Circle Time approach mentioned previously. We can use social skills programs, which are a part of all school-aged Personal Development programs and also use books and activities to talk about appropriate behaviour in pre-school or early intervention programs.

For children with language, self-regulation and other difficulties that lead to bullying behaviour, we need to practice positive behaviour support to help them change their behaviour.

But while we are doing this, we need to increase supervision, help gather supportive peers and create a safe space for the child who is being bullied.

Some useful information:

On circle time:
http://www.antibullying.net/circletimeinfo.htm
http://www.wellbeingaustralia.com.au/Mixers_and_Energisers_Resource_Book.pdf
http://www.wellbeingaustralia.com.au/CircleSol.html

Peer mediation:
http://www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/PeerMediation.pdf
http://www.studygs.net/peermed.htm

Behaviour support:
http://www.usu.edu/teachall/text/behavior/LRBIpdfs/Functional.pdf
http://www.learningplace.com.au/deliver/content.asp?pid=7498


I will talk about other reasons for bullying in the next post....

Read more...

Reporting bullying: How to do it in a way that minimises the chance of backlash on your child and maximises the chance of action

Know the signs

You know your child the best. You will probably be the first one to notice any changes in your child’s behaviour. As soon as you notice any changes, start keeping a diary.

The changes to look out for:
- Refusal or reluctance to go to school
- Requests for you to drive them instead of catching the bus
- Complaints of stomach aches or headaches (could be a sign of anxiety)
- Sleeping in or wetting the bed
- A fall in the child’s grades or reports from the teacher that you child is withdrawing from some activities.

While these could be an indication of other issues that could be causing the child anxiety, make sure that you explore the issue of bullying with your child.

As a teacher, you might notice that the child starts hanging around the staff room, or the library during break times. You might see signs of distress such as crying, irritability, lethargy, withdrawal from class activities or complaints of headaches in class. You should also take these signs seriously and immediately discuss them with the child’s parents.

Know your rights and responsibilities

There are laws about bullying (see my previous post on the Disability Standards for Education 2005 – part 8). There are anti-discrimination laws and standards for practice in Australia, the US and the UK.

All schools should have a discipline and/or an anti-bullying policy. As a parent, don’t be afraid to ask to see a copy of this. If the school doesn’t have one, ask why.

If you are a teacher, you should study the school policy. You could also ask the principal to speak at a staff meeting about the policy so that all staff are aware of what they can do if they come across a case of bullying.

But the bottom line is … if you don’t know, don’t be afraid to ask. Ask nicely (Lol), but be persistent.

Keep written records

Keep a diary of what is going on with your child. If possible, ask them to keep a diary. Having written records will help get action faster, and will also act as proof if the case becomes so serious that it needs to be dealt with by the authorities.

If your child has been physically attacked, take photos and put them in the diary as well.

Don’t wait

Any incident needs to be taken seriously and acted on promptly.

Use you written records to regularly and persistently inform the teacher and/or principal about what is happening. For example, with your child’s permission, you might send an email or a letter detailing any incident to the principal on the day it occurs. Follow this up with a phone call.

Alternately, either you as the parent or the teacher can start a “communication book”. This is a book that the child carries between the parent and the teacher. Each time an entry is made and read, both parties must sign and date it. Keep a scanned or photocopied copy just in case your child loses it.

Persistence and tangible evidence usually means that the incidents are taken much more seriously.

Start this process as soon as anything happens. If you can prevent a small thing becoming big it is much better than letting it go because “it wasn’t such a big deal.”

Know what reporting systems are in place at school

Some schools have anonymous ways the child can report bullying. For example, a “Bully Box”. This is usually in a private, safe place. It entails the child writing what happened and who the bully is and placing this in a secure box anonymously.

Other systems encourage the child to report incidents to peers, and the peers report it to higher authority if they cannot resolve the issue themselves. This may be called peer mediation.

Other incidents of bullying need to be reported more openly so protection mechanisms can be put in place for the child. Find out who the child feels safe with at school, and encourage them to report what happened in detail. If they report an incident to you, don’t be tempted to brush it off.

“Sticks and stones can hurt my bones
But words can never harm me.”
Not true.

“Boys will be boys.”
Maybe. But they need to be told when they have crossed the line.

“Yes, the girls are a bit catty. It’s just a phase they are going through. She should find new friends.”
Maybe. But they need to know when their behaviour is inappropriate and hurtful.

“Don’t be a cry-baby!”
Everyone has different levels of resilience and different tipping points depending on their life experiences and individual characteristics. We need to be tuned in to this, not base our judgements on our own resilience.

Behaviour should be measured by its affect on a child, not by one person’s opinion of what is acceptable and “normal”.

Whilst the bullying is dealt with, create a safe space

Your child might need a place to escape to if they feel threatened, especially during break times. Some suggestions include:
- a quiet, highly supervised area in the library
- supervised activities in the computer room
- the school counsellor’s office

They will need a circle of supporters. This could include:
- a buddy from a higher year (eg a year 6 buddy for a year 2 student)
- a group of supportive, same age peers
- a sibling or other relative at the school
- a teacher, school counsellor (social worker) or other adult mentor at school
- increased parental involvement at school (canteen, reading groups and any other volunteer opportunities)


Some good resources:
http://www.bullyingnoway.com.au/default.shtml
http://www.kenrigby.net/
http://www.mindmatters.edu.au/default.asp

Read more...

When "inclusion" puts children at risk of bullying

Images from Dave is Brave, Copyright Amanda Gray Http://www.learn2bebuddies.com.au

Tom loves being around other children. He loves drawing and music. But he struggles with understanding and learning new things. He has Down Syndrome.

Tom is "included" in a regular classroom. While his peers are guided by the teacher and work in groups, Tom is usually sitting alone working on his learning contract with his teacher’s aide at the back of the room. This contract is a set of worksheets designed by his special education teacher.

On the playground Tom is usually alone. Except when a group of older students invite him to “play” with them, then urge him to do things that will get him into trouble. Tom loves playing with them and doesn’t understand why he keeps getting into trouble, or why his teacher and parents want him to find other friends.

His parents recently found out that the reason why he likes playing with these boys is because they don’t call him names. He said that lots of other kids tease him, saying that Ms G (his teacher’s aide) is his girlfriend.

………..

Emma loves drama. She is good at counting and loves using pictures to tell stories. But she struggles with understanding and learning new things. She has Down Syndrome.

Emma is included in a regular classroom. She sits up the front with four other children. Two of these children benefit from extra help, and two are students who are achieving well. Her teacher’s aide has a desk nearby.

While her peers are guided by the teacher, she and her group of buddies get extra hints and repetition from the teacher’s aide according to the advice of the special education teacher. When the class work in groups, Emma works with her buddies. The two students who are achieving well help to scaffold and support her learning. The teacher’s aide supervises and gives extra help when needed to make sure the other students’ learning isn’t affected by Emma’s occasional difficulties with concentrating or staying on task.

On the playground Emma is usually seen to be with at least one of the four students she sits with in class. With the help of the teacher’s aide they have taught her to play some of their favourite games, like skipping (Emma usually holds the rope), tips (where Emma occasionally has to be reminded who is in), making up plays and sitting in the library (Emma loves picture books).

Once when a group of older boys started calling her names her buddies saw her crying. They went straight to their teacher, who went straight to the principal, who called a meeting with the boy’s parents. The bullying quickly stopped.

Emma loves school.

-----------

While Tom and Emma are fictional characters, they are built from my observations and the experiences of students and families with whom I have worked. Next time I write here I will talk about these a little more....

Read more...

Avoiding a culture of bullying

Image from "Dave is Brave" www.learn2bebuddies.com.au Copyright Amanda Gray 2009

There are a number of things that we can do to prevent bullying. But in order to do this we need to understand what puts children at risk of bullying.

Difference or vulnerability can often increase the chance of a child being bullied. Whether they have a disability or not, a child who looks different, or doesn’t conform with the expectations or values of influential peers, or whose interests differ from those peers, is at risk of being bullied.

Carter and Spencer (2006) looked specifically at research about what increases the risk of a child with a disability being bullied. One study highlighted some key factors. It found that children with physical disabilities were more at risk of being bullied if:
- they received extra help at school
- they were alone on the playground
- they had less than two good friends

What does that tell us about preventing bullying?

One of the things it tells us is that it all begins with our attitudes. As adults – parents and teachers – we need to think about how we react to people who are somehow different. Do we respond fearfully? Do we exclude or avoid adults or children in the community whose appearance or behaviour is different to what we expect? Do we exclude people from our schools, classrooms, activities or homes based on difference? Or do we try to understand them and work with their strengths?

Because ultimately our attitudes will build the culture of our homes, schools and classrooms. If we respect and value the contributions of all people, if we look for their strengths and build relationships with them, it will flow into the culture that is created in our homes, communities and schools.

Influenctial rules to create a respectful home, school or community culture

There are many ways of influencing the culture of our homes and schools, but in this post I want to talk about rules. Rules or a code of conduct are required in schools (as mentioned in the first post this month). But there are certain things we need to do to make rules work.

Rules that work

If you say, “Don’t say nasty things!” you may yourself entabled in an argument about what is nasty. An argument that may end with the statement that "you can't tell me what to do!!!".

But let’s say you sat down with your children or students and discussed the issue. For example, you notice that there is a bit of teasing going on. Ask them if they have ever been teased, how that made them feel. Then get them to come up with some rules, or a set of rights and responsibilities. This will give them a sense of ownership of the rules, and will deflate their arguments against the rule because they came up with the rule themselves.

But avoid “Don’t” rules. As soon as a child (or an adult, for that matter) hears the word don’t, there is a great temptation to “do”.

For children who struggle with understanding abstract ideas, empathy, or have language or concentration difficulties, it is also important that your rules clarify exactly what is expected of them.
So instead of a rule that says, “Don’t be nasty” you could end up with rules such as:
- “Say kind things”
- “Treat others like you would want to be treated”

If you show children respect, they are more likely to respect others.

You should also remember that more rules you have, the less likely you will enforce them all. Keeping to a maximum of 5 rules is usually the best approach. Because rules are only useful if you consistently reinforce them. For example, you can remind children of the rule when they are breaking it to help them get back on track. Or you could praise those who are following the rule by saying something like, "That was a kind thing to say! Thank you!".

When you first introduce the rule, you should also have a system of rewards or consequences. The children should come up with these as well - though be careful because children can be harsh when coming up with consequences.

Make sure the consequences fit the action. For example, time out is not going to be an appropriate consequence for teasing or bullying on its own. Instead, the consequence should include apology and reparation of the relationship with the child who was bullied.

Do not tolerate bullying, but you should also make sure that the consequence deals with the underlying reasons behind the behaviour.

I might leave it there (it is getting late)…. Next time I will talk a bit more about how we can protect our children and students from bullying by expanding on the idea of a circle of care.

Reference

Carter, B.B, Spencer, V.G. (2006). The Fear Factor: Bullying and Students with Disabilities. International Journal of Special Education, 21(1), p11-24.

For more information about designing rules that work and a culture of respect, you might want to visit: http://www.afcec.org/tipsforteachers/tips_index.html

http://www.bullyingnoway.com.au/ideasbox/we-say/we-say-01.shtml

http://www.mindmatters.edu.au/resources_and_downloads/mindmatters/mindmatters_resource_kit_landing.html

Parenting

http://www.theparentszone.com/parenting/how-to-set-the-rules-of-parenting-discipline-to-make-your-child-respect-and-follow-them/

Read more...

Laws about bullying

“Bullies and bullying should never be treated lightly.”
Dr Kevin Leman in his book Have a New Kid by Friday.

The Disability Standards for Education 2005: What it says about bullying.

In Australia, the inclusion of children with disabilities in educational institutions is shaped by the Disability Standards for Education, 2005 . Part 8 of these Standards deals specifically with the issue of bullying. So I thought I would start this month by explaining the key points from those Standards.

For readers who come from countries other than Australia, the key elements of the Disability Standards should be reflected in legislation in your country. In a later post I will explore the UN rights of the Child and would love to hear from anyone who has some information about relevant laws in their own country.

What is harassment or bullying? (picture copyright Amanda Gray, taken from "Dave is Brave" www.learn2bebuddies.com.au)
The Disability Standards define harrassment/bullying as any action that may “humiliate, offend, intimidate or distress the person” (p22). It clearly states that any act that comes under this category that is aimed at students with disabilities or any associate (eg parent, friend, teacher) of that student is unlawful under the Disability Discrimmination Act 1992.

It also more specifically states that no one should be bullied or harassed due their need for supports or adjustments such as teachers' aides, technology, guide dogs and so on.

While I am just focusing on the Disability Discrimmination Act and Disability Standards, there are laws that address this issue for all community members, not just students with disabilities. They all have the following elements.

What is required of an education provider?
First, let’s just clarify that an education provider is any educational institution, authority or anyone who is developing curricula. So, for example, in NSW that includes the NSW Board of Studies, the Department of Education and your child’s school.

And education provider needs to have in place three things:
1. Processes to prevent bullying or harassment
2. Mechanisms for reporting any occurrences of harassment or bullying.
3. Mechanisms to respond to harassment of bullying.

Prevention
The Standards make it clear that part of the process of preventing harassment is to have a code of conduct. This means that there should be rules that help set a positive, supportive, respectful culture in the school.

Every school should have a discipline policy or anti-bullying policy that includes a set of rules or expectations. These expectations should be about promoting respect. These policies should also be frequently discussed and freely available to everyone in the school community, including parents.

There are many other ways of preventing bullying, but I will discuss these in future posts.

Reporting
The Standards require that a school have a system for ensuring that students can report if they have been bullied or harassed. This process should again be clearly stated in the anti-bullying or discipline policy. And, again, this should be available to all students, staff and parents.

Students and staff should be reminded regularly of how they can report bullying.

Students can be afraid of reporting a bullying event if they feel like they are at risk of further bullying due to being seen as a “tattler”. It is important that the school design processes that a confidential and protect the “reporter” of a bullying event. I will discuss this more in a future post.

Responding
The Disability Standards state that any response to bullying should be “fair, transparent and accountable.”

This means firstly that the school needs to understand what caused the bullying in the first place. Misunderstanding? Self-esteem issues on the part of the bully? Prejudice or stereotyping? Lack of empathy? There are many more reasons why one person bullies another.

This does not mean that the bully should not experience consequences. However, it does mean that the only way to really stop the bullying is to address the underlying reason for the bullying and respond to the needs of all parties in the event.

Zero tolerance to bullying is essential. But that does not mean that we ignore the needs of the bully. This will benefit neither the bully nor the child being bullied. But I will talk about that in another post this month.

Being transparent about your response to bullying is about making clear what the consequences for bullying will be in the school or Departmental policy. So the anti-bullying policy should say “If you bully someone, then …”

Being accountable is about recording the bullying event and the steps taken to respond to it. For example, the school principal, parent and/or school counsellor should keep records about what has happened.

If you want to know more….
If you want to know more about the Disability Standards, you can download them here. You could also look at the documents that help explain the Disability Standards (though they are a bit heavy).

If you want to know more about the NSW Department of Education’s approach to bullying in schools, visit Bullying! No Way!

Read more...

Bullying

Picture from www.learn2bebuddies.com.au

Copyright Amanda Gray and Daniel East

One of the main issues dealt with in the first books in my Learn to be Buddies series is the issue of bullying and resilience. The picture book deals with teaching children skills to stand up for themselves, as well as addressing things from the perspective of the child who is being rough.

This month I want to explore a series of resources around the issue of bullying. I would also love to hear stories from parents and teachers, or other who have been bullied at school. If you would like to share your experiences, just comment here.

I am going to look at bullying definitions, laws, prevention methods, ideas for dealing with bullying and anything else that you might want to ask or share.

I know this is an emotional and very significant issue which has no easy solution, so I am hoping just to share ideas rather than offer definitive solutions. I hope we can all help each other!

Read more...