A conversation with a parent about bullying

Copyright Amanda Gray 2009

Between a parent of a child with ADHD, and Amanda (a special education teacher) - published here with permission.

Parent said:
My 11 year old daughter with ADHD and learning disabilities has experienced some bullying by a boy in her class room. The teacher attempted to talk individually to the boy doing the bullying as well as talk privately with my daughter who was distressed over the nasty name-calling, but the boy continues to bully her. This school year had so many new changes with all the kids switching to a new building that I think this year has been the toughest year on my daughter.

The sad thing is that the bullying only made a bad situation even worse. My daughter is literally asking me if she could start going to counselling. Can you imagine???? She is experiencing "separation anxiety" and hates leaving me to go to school. This has gone on throughout the entire school year, but it never got better. Any thoughts on this?

Amanda said:
There are a few things that you might want to look into (though I don't profess to have all the answers)

1. Find out if the boy's parents know about what he is doing and what they feel about it.
The Education Department in Australia recommend that parents of a child who is being bullied don't directly contact the parents of the "bully". However, you can ask the teacher and/or principal to speak to the parents. If they are shocked or disgusted or upset at their child's behaviour, the school might be able to get them involved in designing and implementing consequences for his actions, or they might help their child understand the impact of their bullying on your daughter.

2. If the parents are not on side, and the bullying is occurring due to lack of empathy, the teacher may be able to incorporate lessons, activities and rules into her classroom that tackle the issue of respect and value for diversity.
For example, set up a buddy system where children take turns in "looking after each other" in the playground.

Or have children do activities that help them recognise and value their differences, for example designing posters saying "I am special because..." (for all children, not specific just to your child).

Every morning she could have a "sharing circle", which is about discussing general issues that children have anonymously reported (using a ballot box) or issues that the teacher thinks they need to discuss. For example, she could get the students to talk about teasing, what it is, how it makes others/themselves feel, then ask the students to come up with a rule that might prevent it, and consequences for if it happens.

Publicly addressing the issue of teasing, and having strict consequences in place without talking specifically about your daughter can be a way of "shaming" the bully into backing off. But more importantly, it is about your daughter knowing that there are people on her side at school, and setting up a support network of peers for her so she feels more protected even if the teacher cannot always be present.

Addressing it in a general way may also reduce the likelihood of the boy targeting your daughter more if he feels she has "told on" or "snitched" on him.

Parent said:
I like the idea of the "sharing circle" and I think that is an excellent way to have children open up without feeling guilty or ashamed. I am sure that it is helpful because the children remain anonymous. My daughter had already discussed the bullying problem with one of her teachers. The teacher contacted me on the telephone and that is how I discovered what was going on. My daughter had not discussed this with me.

I did have a long discussion with my child about how bullying is wrong and hurtful to others. I explained that she should tell me and tell her teacher if it happens again. Unfortunately, the boy continued through the year harassing my daughter, bullying her and calling her hurtful names.

…. I think that I will continue to help my daughter try to work through any negative feelings from being bullied. We have considered going to a counsellor just to have someone professional discuss important topics and to try to work through the negative experience.

I want to add that my daughter has been having anxiety and insomnia much more than usual. I am not sure if this is directly related to the boy bullying her or not? It is a serious concern of mine and I do think that counselling could be a good choice for now. My daughter never had anxiety or insomnia to this degree, until this school year when the boy began bullying her.

It is very sad and unfortunate that I was not informed by the school much sooner about my daughter getting bullied by this boy. I was completely in the dark about it. It was not, until the school teacher contacted me that I discovered what was going on. This explains why my daughter constantly did not want to go to school and why she always had a stomach ache.

Schools should contact parents immediately when and if they think there is a bullying situation with their child. Some kids, like my daughter, do not share at home with family the details of being bullied at school. Although, I did not discover the truth, until close to the end of the school year, I am grateful that I finally found out so I can help my daughter work through the negative emotions and feelings.

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Helping children follow your directions

Golden rule:
Give your instructions in different formats in an environment that is as quiet as possible, and reward them for their efforts.

A quiet environment
Some things to think about at home if your child is having problems hearing or focusing their attention on your instructions:

- Turn off the TV before you start talking
- Don’t try and yell over the washing machine, dishwasher or mower – or yelling kids. Turn the appliances off, and wait until your child is quiet before giving instructions.
- A room that is carpeted and has curtains will help cut down background noise
(My Dr, 2005; Neven, Anderson and Godber, 2002)

Some things to think about in the classroom if your student is having problems hearing or focusing their attention on your instructions:
- Negotiate and enforce rules about sitting quietly while the teacher is talking. Enforce the rules through praise and having a visual list of the rules on the wall (AFCEC, nd).
- Have a signal (eg. flicking the light switch for high school, clapping a rhythm which the students then have to copy in primary school) that indicates you are about to speak. Don’t try and yell them to attention (CDI, 2008).
- Wait until you have their attention before giving instructions.
- Use a noise-o-meter to keep children aware of what noise level is appropriate.
- Be aware of how any appliances, floor coverings and other features of the room may increase or decrease background noise.

Different ways of giving instructions:

Verbal
“Okay, kids, collect your Maths books, sit down at your desk and start work on page 6.”

Modelling
As you talk, demonstrate each step.

Visual
This can be hung on the board, or put on the child’s desk.
Written
Give this to the child so they can tick off each step as they complete it.
(Adapted from http://www.do2learn.com/organizationtools/classroom/educationalresources.htm)
Motivation and rewards

"If you do your work, then you can have a sticker." This is a “bribe”.

"Remember that when you finish this you will be able to put a star on your I've Finished chart." This is a negotiated reward that is a natural consequence of task completion.

But maybe we’ll talk more about this another time.

References:

Alabama Federation Council for Exceptional Children. (nd). Rules for Structuring the Classroom. Retrieved 25th May, 2009 from: http://www.afcec.org/tipsforteachers/tips_b2.html

Child Development Institute. (2008). Suggested Classroom Interventions ForChildren With ADD & Learning Disabilities. Retrived 25th May, 2009 from: http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/learning/teacher.shtml#Suggested

MyDr. (2005). Hearing Impairment and School Children. Retrieved 25th May from: http://www.mydr.com.au/kids-teens-health/hearing-impairment-and-schoolchildren

Neven, R.S., Anderson, V. and Godber, T. (2002). Rethinking ADHD. Allen and Unwin: Crows Nest.

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Dear Teacher

A letter from a parent of a child with ADD, placed here with permission ....

Sometimes it is great to hear from parents so we as teachers can keep things in perspective. Thank you, parent, for sharing.

Dear Teacher,

By now you have had the chance to observe and interact with my son. You might find him to be goofy, high-strung, impulsive, reactive, or just plan irritating. But, no matter what your thoughts are about my beautiful boy, please remember what you have been hired to do. I put my child in your hands to guide him, teach him, inspire him, and help him grow. You cannot do this if you don't have an understanding of how he is made. On the days you feel like you can't take another minute of him, reach out to him. When he's interrupted you over and over again, be gentle. When he can't stay in his seat another moment, send him on an errand. When he's not really getting social cues from his peers and struggling relating to them, talk to all the children without singling him out. When he can't seem to focus, touch his shoulder gently without saying a word. When he says he hates school, don't take it personally, he just hates feeling so frustrated by the world around him that he can't turn off.

And lastly, please remember that this child is the apple of someone's eye. They bring us so much joy, even with the difficulties they have to endure every single day. You could be the one teacher that could change my child’s life forever, or you could be the one that could tear down his self-esteem for years. Watch your words. Our children never forget a negative comment. Remember why you want to teach, and realize you will see more and more children like mine. They want to do good. They want to succeed. They want to please everyone. You could be that one who could make a difference forever by reaching out to my child. I truly believe that the success you find in him will carry you on for many years.

Sincerely...an ADD parent.

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Ask Amanda - response to Paula

I work with a 4th grader who has Down Syndrome. She often sees other children, who are close friends, hugging or pushing each other in joking ways. Since she is not at age level with social skills, she applies this same behavior to other children she doesn't know. She will go up to children in the lunchroom or on the playground and grab or hug them. Most children do not like this. I don't know how to explain the social do's and don'ts to her. Paula D.

Thanks for asking, Paula.

Helping your student understand complex and changeable rules can be difficult, especially if they struggle to understand abstract concepts. One of the best ways to make it more concrete is through visuals.

In this case, you may find that the best way to teach your student about appropriate hugging and touching may be through a picture.

The illustration on below is based on the colours of a traffic light - it could be presented as three separate circles as well. The idea is that the student can write names of people, or illustrate or collect pictures of specific people or types of people (eg teachers) to stick into each circle according to how she should relate to that person.

You can also write (or use symbols) in the circles to clarify under what circumstances and how you might touch a person (eg. shake hands when saying hello).


This process could be used for other social rules, but it is best to focus on one at a time so as not to be too confusing or complex for the child.

I hope that helps a little... Again, if anyone else has any suggestions, please feel free to add your ideas as a comment.

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Modelling and rewards

Chris is sitting eating lunch with her peers. They are chatting away. Suddenly, without warning, Chris gets up and leaves. Her peers look very surprised and a little offended.

Applied behaviour Analysis

Pictures and social stories are often used in the process of Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA). This approach is about analysing what we can see, breaking down behaviour into small steps, and changing it through encouraging, modelling, prompting, and praising changed behaviour

Using ABA for Chris

If we applied this approach to Chris’ situation, we would have to start by looking at what is actually happening. We might start with writing a more detailed observation of what is happening.

Antecedent:
Before Chris walked away, she had been intermittently involved in a discussion with her peers. They were talking about their favourite foods.
Jenny looks at her sandwich then smiles at her two buddies: I love vegemite sandwiches! They are great.
Chris continues looking at and eating her sandwich. Tom smiles back at Jenny: Yeah, I like them, too. But I like cheese better.
Chris (still looking at her sandwich, which is almost finished): I like cheese.
Tom smiles at Chris: Mmmm. It is so good, especially with some tomato. Have you ever had it with tomato?

Behaviour:
Chris has finished her sandwich and walks away.

Consequence:
Chris puts her rubbish in the bin and puts her lunchbox away in her bag.
Tom looks surprised and a little offended.
Jenny looks at Tom: Maybe she didn’t hear you.
Tom and Jenny sit silently until they finish their sandwiches, then quietly pack up.

So what next?

This observation gives some ideas about what is going on. For example, while Chris was listening to Tom and Jenny, she was not paying attention to them. That is, she is not making eye contact. This meant that she missed the body language, facial expressions and social rules that would have told her about whether the conversation was finished or not.

Modelling, prompting, praising

To start teaching Chris the skill of eye contact we may need to draw attention to the importance of eye contact.

For example, when Chris wants something we might wait until she responds to the prompt, “Chris, look at me” before we respond to her. We may also use a physical cue like putting our hand into the line of her gaze, then bringing the hand to our cheek or chin.

Any attempt to make eye contact should be praised. This can be a combination of specific praise (eg. “Thanks for looking at me” said with a beaming smile) and giving Chris what she wants.

And all the time we are doing this, we need to be modelling good eye contact.


Functional behaviour analysis, or behaviour support

Another way of looking at this behaviour is to ask why Chris walked away in the first place. What was the function, or purpose of her behaviour?

Why did Chris walk away?

It wasn’t just that Chris wasn’t paying attention, it was that she was paying attention to something else.

The observation suggests that she was following a routine, and she was focused on this. She had finished eating. And, according to routine, when you finish eating you put your rubbish in the bin and put your lunchbox away.

So what next?

We need to help Chris to balance the routine with her friendships. So, first, we need to help her make eye contact with her peers. We need to help her apply what she has learnt with an adult prompt (“Look at me, Chris”) to her discussions with her peers.
So we may teach her peers to say, “Chris” and wait for Chris to look at them before speaking.

Then we need to teach Chris to use a signal to let her peers know she is going to leave the conversation. So we could teach Chris to say, “I am going to…. now.” before she walks away.

Modelling, prompting, praising

To start with, we might have to practice this skill in the classroom. Or a teacher may need to sit alongside Chris and her peers in the playground.

In the beginning, the teacher may need to encourage Tom and Jenny to say Chris’ name and wait until she looks at them before speaking. The teacher may need to give some immediate praise to encourage Chris to use eye contact. The teacher may also need to use a picture, social story or modelling the sentence “I am going to…. now.” to prompt Chris to use this sentence.

To make sure that this is making a difference, we would need to keep a record of Chris’ successes.

But the end product should go something like this:

Antecedent:
Chris is chatting with Tom and Jenny. They were talking about their favourite foods.
Jenny looks at her sandwich then smiles at her two buddies: I love vegemite sandwiches! They are great. Aren’t they, Chris.
Chris continues looking at and eating her sandwich. Jenny waits for a moment, then says: Chris?
Chris looks at Jenny.
Jenny: Do you like vegemite sandwiches?
Chris shakes her head.
Tom smiles at Jenny and Chris: I like vegemite sandwiches. But I like cheese better.
Chris (still looking at Jenny): I like cheese sandwiches. See! (she holds out her cheese sandwich.)
Tom smiles at Chris: Mmmm. It is so good, especially with some tomato. Have you ever had it with tomato?
Chris has finished her sandwich and is packing up her rubbish.

Behaviour:
Tom: Chris?
Chris looks at Tom.
Tom: Do you like tomato?
Chris: No. (short pause) I am going to put my rubbish in the bin now.

Consequence:
Chris puts her rubbish in the bin and puts her lunchbox away in her bag.
Tom and Jenny continue talking until they finish their lunch. Then they put their rubbish away and join Chris. They all go and play together.


If you want to know more:

Conway, R. (2008). Encouraging Positive Interactions. In Forman, P. (Ed) Inclusion in Action, p198. Thomson: Australia

Moyes, R.A. (2002). Addressing the Challenging Beahviour of Children with High-Functioning Autism/Aspereger Syndrome in the Classroom: A Guide for Teachers and Parents. Jessica Kingsley Publishers: London.

Repp, A.C, and Horner, R.H. (1999). Functional Analysis of Problem Behavior: From effective assessment to effective support. Wadsworth: Canada

Weiss, M.J, Harris, S.L. (2001). Reaching out, Joining in: Teaching Social Skills to Young Children with Autism. Woodbine House: Bethesda


You may also want to visit these links:

http://www.autismsa.org.au/html/strategies/therapies/aba.html

http://www.learningplace.com.au/deliver/content.asp?pid=7498

http://www.txautism.net/docs/Guide/Interventions/ABA.pdf

http://www.usu.edu/teachall/text/behavior/LRBIpdfs/Functional.pdf

At the end of every month I want to anwer any questions you might have relevant to the topics discussed in this blog. If you have any questions, post them here as a comment. I will answer them next week....

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Using pictures

Are you Angry or Not?

(pictures from www.learn2bebuddies.com.au)

Tommy asks Jenny if he can play with the truck she is using. She says, calmly and politely, “No. I am playing with it. There’s another one over there.”

Tommy begins to cry and comes rushing up to you. “Jenny won’t let me use the truck! She is being mean! Waaaaa!”

How do you explain that Jenny wasn’t being mean, or angry? She just wanted to play uninterrupted. There are other toys she wanted to share with you...


Using pictures to teach pragmatics (following on from the previous posts)

Tom needs to learn the difference between the facial expression and body language that makes the word “No” represent bullying or “meanness” as opposed to the pragmatics that reflect a reasonable refusal. This is a complex concept for all young children to learn.

For some children you may be able to talk to them and use words to help them understand this. But talking about it assumes several important things. Firstly, if you reason with Tom you are expecting that he is able to hear the words and understand what they mean. If he has a hearing impairment, developmental delay or a language disorder, this may be a difficulty for him.

Second, you are expecting that he can imagine and relate to the actions and emotions reflected in the words you are using. Again, children with developmental delays, Autism, Aspergers Syndrome and other social or behaviour difficulties may struggle with this process.

So what can we do?

One way to approach the issue is to use pictures. There are a number of benefits to using visuals (Bondy & Frost, 2002; MacKay, 2000; Marion, 2007).

1 - They can attract attention
For example, children with autism will find it hard to make eye-contact with others. It may be difficult for them to process sights, sounds and movement all at once. Making eye contact may mean they struggle to actually “hear” what the speaker is saying. Other children may have difficulties concentrating, paying attention or directing their gaze to something when asked.

When you use a picture, you can help a child focus on a representation of the facial expressions and body language without having to process movement and sound as well. The child can also be given the picture to hold, or it can be held in their eye-line.

2 - They are permanent
You can allow the child to study the picture for as long as needed. The expression won’t disappear in a moment as it would from another child’s face.

3 - They can be carried around
You can use the picture in a range of situations. You can get the child to use it to communicate their own emotions. Or you can point to the picture to communicate what another child may be feeling. By doing this you are helping the child generalise the information, or apply it to different situations and different people. This, in turn, will help them develop empathy.

4 - They are concrete
You don’t have to use language and imagination. The picture is a concrete representation of an abstract concept. You are providing them with the “image” for their imagination. This is especially important if the child thinks in pictures rather than in words.

5 - They can be adapted to any age
You can use photos, pictures or line drawings. You can adapt the pictures to any age and to any child’s interest.


So, in Tom’s case, you may use two pictures such as those seen below (free download from http://www.do2learn.com/).

You may get him to chose which one he thinks reflects Jenny’s response. Then you may get Jenny to choose the one that reflects what she really meant. Then you help correct the miscommunication in a very concrete way.

Don’t expect immediate results. You may have to use this process many times depending on the child’s difficulty. The first step may be just getting the child to look at the picture.

But with repetition, patience, praise and reinforcement (such as getting the truck after he has played with another toy for a short while), Tom will learn the difference between a calm and friendly, “No.” and an angry, mean “NO!”

References:

Bondy, A., Frost, L. (2002). A Picture’s Worth: PECS and Other Visual Communication Strategies in Autism. Woodbine House: USA

MacKay, G. (2000). Primary-age Pupils with Pragmatic Difficulties. In R. MacKay and C. Anderson (Eds), Teaching Children with Pragmatic Difficulties of Communication, pp55-71. David Fulton Publishes: London.

Marion, K. (2007). Visual Supports for People with Autism: A Guide for Parents and Professionals. The Canadian Journal of Occupational Therapy, 75(5) p281.

Line drawings retrieved from:

http://www.do2learn.com/picturecards/printcards/2inch/imagegridsnowords/emotionsnoword.htm

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Facial Expressions, Body Language and Empathy

Billy was building a road out of blocks.

“Hey, Billy! Can I play?” Tim said eagerly.
Billy smiled, “Sure, you can play!”
“What can I do?” Tim asked.
Billy pointed to the end of the road, giving Billy a toy car. “Just sit over there.”
“Okay!” Tim said as he sat in the indicated space and started running his car along the block road.

Billy was building a road out of blocks.
“Hey, Billy! Can I play?” Tim asked shyly.
“Sure you can play!” Billy replied sarcastically, looking at Tim with a sneer.
“What can I do?” Tim asked falteringly.
“Just sit over there.” Billy pointed to the very edge of the mat, out of reach of the road and any blocks.
“Okay.” Tim sat in the indicated spot and watched as Billy turned away to continue building the block road.

(Image copyright Daniel East 2008. Illustration is part of the children's book, Dave is Brave, written by Amanda Gray. Visit www.learn2bebuddies.com.au for more information.)

Body Language, Facial Expressions and Empathy

These two vignettes illustrate how the same words, used in different ways, can hold very different meaning. That’s because communication isn’t just about the words we use. It is about how we use them.

The same words can have a very different meaning depending on what facial expressions, tone of voice and body language we use. These things let others know what we really mean, or the intent of our words.

There are also many unspoken rules we need to follow when we are communicating to get our message across successfully. For example, we speak differently to a friend that we would to our boss. We also need to take turns, keep to the topic of conversation and use conventions like “I have to go now” to end our conversations.

These things all combine to give us the social context of language and are referred to as pragmatics (Scott Lue, 2001, MacKay, 2000). If a child has difficulty with pragmatics their success in interacting with others will be affected. Not only will they misunderstand others’ communication efforts, but they may struggle to get their message across without misunderstandings, hurt and frustration.

For example, as we speak to and interact with others we use their facial expressions and body language to help interpret how they are feeling or reacting to us. As we empathise we adapt our behaviour (McKay, 2000). So pragmatics helps us tell when someone is not interested in what we are saying, and we stop talking. Or it helps us realise if our actions or words are hurtful. It can also help us recognise jokes, sarcasm or bullying.

But not all children learn these skills in the same way.

Children who may struggle to learn pragmatics

To learn the pragmatics of language you need to be able to see, hear and concentrate. You need to be able to analyse, remember and adapt what you have learnt to new situations. You need literacy skills such as knowledge of words, grammar and how context changes a word’s meaning. And you need to be able to guess at other people’s attitudes and recognise someone else’s point of view (Anderson, 2000).

Children who have vision impairments can miss body language and facial expressions (Scott Lue, 2001). Taking turns in conversations may be hard as their ability to use eye-contact may be limited. They may need to develop other signals to help their friends know they are listening.

For children with hearing impairments, developmental delays and language disorders learning new words and concepts may be difficult. They may struggle with finding the right words to match their body language and gestures so they can get their message across (Anderson, 2000).

Children with attention deficit disorders may find it hard to keep eye-contact and pay attention when interacting. They may miss important facial expressions and body language, thus missing how their words and actions may be affecting another person (Sinzig, Morsch & Lehmkuhl, 2008).

Children with developmental delays, such as children with Down Syndrome, may struggle with the complex process of analysing, remembering and adapting what they have learnt in one situation to be used in new situations (Buckley, Bird & Sacks, 2002; NSW Council for Intellectual Disability, 2006). So they may find it hard to interpret body language and facial expressions they are not familiar with.

But the children we read about most often as struggling with pragmatics are children with autistic spectrum disorders (ASD) (Scott, Clark & Brady, 2000).

Autism Spectrum Disorders

Children with Autism may have difficulties learning to speak. Children with Aspergers Syndrome may have a big vocabulary and speak well, but struggle with the pragmatics of language. But in both cases, their key difficulties will include:

• making eye contact
• recognising and responding to facial expressions, tone of voice and body language
• taking turns and
• empathising (Scott, Clark & Brady, 2000).

For example, a child with autism spectrum disorders may keep bringing the conversation back to their area of interest even if it is not relevant to the conversation. They may not show interest in what the other person is saying. They may echo or imitate a question they have been asked rather than respond to it.

Teaching pragmatics

We usually develop our knowledge about the rules of communication and socialisation by observing, practising and applying past experiences to our interactions (Scott Lue, 2001; MacKay, 2000). We start learning these skills as a baby when we first make eye contact with our parents. But, as previously mentioned, children with a range of different difficulties will not learn these skills in the same way. For these children it is about explicit teaching.

We can do this in many different ways. I won’t discuss this now as I think I can sense from your body language that you may be losing interest :-). But in the coming weeks I will blog about how modelling, prompts, rewards, pictures and social stories can help children with a range of disabilities learn to recognise, interpret and develop body language, facial expressions and empathy.


References

Anderson, C. (2000). Pragmatic Communication Difficulties. In G. MacKay and C. Anderson (Eds), Teaching Children with Pragmatic Difficulties of Communication, pp24-38.

Buckley, SJ., Bird, G., and Sacks, B. (2002) Social Development of Individuals with Down Syndrome – An Overview. Retrieved 10th April 2009 from http://www.down-syndrome.org/information/social/overview/

MacKay, G. (2000). Actions and interactions: the roots of pragmatic communication. In G. MacKay and C. Anderson (Eds), Teaching Children with Pragmatic Difficulties of Communication, pp6-23.

NSW Council for Intellectual Disability (2006). What is Intellectual Disability? Retrieved 10th April 2009 from http://www.nswcid.org.au/standard-english/se-pages/fact-sheets.html

Scott, J., Clark, C. and Brady, M. (2000). Students with Autism: Characteristics and Instruction Programming. Singular Publishing group: California.

Scott Lue, M. (2001) A survey of Communication Disorders for the Classroom Teacher. Allyn and Bacon: Boston.

Sinzig, J., Morsch, D. and Lehmkuhl, G. (2008) Do hyperactivity, impulsivity and inattention have an impact on the ability of facial affect recognition in children with autism and ADHD? European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 17(2) pp 63-72.

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